By S.E. Barcus
Just kidding, soccer fans. Those of us who aren’t used to watching soccer (sorry … ‘football’…) — or hockey, for that matter — are having a hard time getting excited about such a low-scoring sport, this World Cup season…. I know, I know — the ‘beauty’ is that goals are so rare that they are to be savored, like some fine wine or some bullshit.
But really, how does this compare to watching a basketball game?! Which one has more action, along with more graceful dexterity akin to professional dancers, combined with just as much running and endurance and skill — but also with the added need for pure strength? NBA players are strong, and can still run and shoot — and shoot with higher precision through a much smaller goal. Soccer players? They’re all gaunt-looking marathon runners, and half the time they finally have an open shot, they blast the ball over the damn post! WTF?!
And we gotta sit through this whole damn game for just 1 or 2 goals scored … total? And what’s with this coy ‘stoppage time’ crap — adding minutes at the end of a game, that refs just pull out of their ass?! At their ‘discretion‘?! Mannnnn, soccer, get your shit together — I call bullshit.
Here’s the field goal percentages (sorry, the ‘conversion rates’) for the players in the World Cup with the most shots on goal, and their field goal percentages. (I’ll be honest — it’s actually a lot higher than I thought. I thought I would crunch these numbers and it would come out to, like, 1% on average. Which I guessed might be considered ‘good’. But 16 to 27%? Wow. Almost 3-point-shot percentages. It seems not so bad — until you forget that there are so few shots in a game to begin with, with all the damn dribble-dribble-pass-pass-pass at midfield, ball stolen! –> dribble-dribble-pass-pass-pass at midfield, ball stolen! –> dribble-dribble-pass-pass-pass at midfield, ball stolen! — JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SOMEBODY SHOOT A FUCKING BALL ALREADY!!!